Grief Over the Holidays: Finding Light in the Shadows

When you reach your queen-age years, the holidays often carry a bittersweet weight. This is the stage of life when many of us are losing—or have lost—parents and other loved ones. Sometimes the loss is physical, and sometimes it’s ambiguous: a loved one is still here but emotionally or cognitively distant, as with dementia or estrangement. Either way, grief can feel sharper during a season so centered on family and tradition.

So how do we cope with grief over the holidays?

For me, the first Christmas after my father passed, I needed distance and change. My daughter and I planned a trip to the European Christmas markets, hoping to get lost in the magic of something new. It turned out to be exactly what we needed. Even as we wandered through twinkling stalls, we found ourselves saying things like, “Oh, Poppa would love this,” or “Poppa would have thought this was funny.” We didn’t forget him—we simply gave ourselves space from old traditions for that moment.

Now, my mom is living with memory loss. Some days she is aware, and other days she is not. Celebrating with her looks different. My daughter and I try not to overwhelm or expect too much. Instead, we savor the small glimmers—the smiles, the gentle laughs, the fleeting moments of remembrance.

What has worked for me may not work for you, but here are some suggestions that might help if you’re grieving and worried about the holidays intensifying that pain:

Allow yourself to feel. It’s okay to be sad, angry, or numb. You don’t have to hide your emotions.

Lean on trusted friends and family. Let them support you. If you don’t have a reliable support system, consider a therapist or grief support group.

Build a chosen family. Blood isn’t the only bond that matters—community can be created.

Plan ahead. Give yourself permission to change plans or have a backup if things feel overwhelming.

Be gentle with yourself. Indulge in self-care, rest, or quiet rituals if that’s what you need.

Honor your loved one. Find a way to remember them that makes you smile—light a candle, cook their favorite dish, or share a story.

For me, comfort comes from believing my dad is looking down on us, especially when we’re struggling during this family-centered season. I often look for signs from him—and he never disappoints.

If you have suggestions to add, I’d love to hear them. And if you’d like to reach out to KTCWK for a little support, I’m always happy to be an unprofessional shoulder.